Struggling

It’s been a long time since I’ve written to you all about Itatu. My dad told me a few months ago that people really want to have hope and read posts that end on a positive note. Of course he is right and it is for this reason that I have not written lately. I kept waiting, hoping for a positive development. It seems I have been waiting in vain.

Some of you will recall a few months ago I wrote a few posts which I hoped would be therapeutic for me. I had a very difficult time in Malawi last summer. I felt proud of the progress of the orphan care but my personal experience there was almost unbearable. The last few weeks in Malawi I spent almost entirely in my room. I was sick, alone and sad. I was scared too. Those who know me well know that fear is not an emotion I am very familiar with.

I didn’t want to write about my personal struggles in Malawi while I was there because I wanted to focus on the kids. I wanted you all to have confidence in what I was doing. I wanted you to understand that the kids were the most important reason for my trip. I thought I could separate my personal struggles from my orphan care project. I believed that time and distance would heal the wounds. It seems that the Band-Aid is coming off slowly.

In January Mabvuto told me that he would not assist me in finding accommodation in Ntcheu unless I agreed to stay with him again. I told him this felt like a threat to me and I didn’t appreciate being bullied. He remained adamant. I decided to enlist the help of some people Mabvuto had introduced me to last summer. Once I began talking to people, I started to learn things about Mabvuto that I had not known before. His friends told me things that were exactly opposite to what he had always told me. I was told that Ireen was not his niece as I’d always believed but his daughter. I learned that he is not single as he’d told me but that he has a wife and children who live in the capital city. Although he told me last February that he had won the primaries and would be the candidate for the DPP (Democratic People’s Party) in the upcoming election, the truth is that the primaries were held in November, 10 months after he had “won.”

Mabvuto found out that I had spoken to his friends and to a few of my own friends in Malawi. He didn’t know the details of the conversations but he had been told that I’d been asking many questions about him. He was furious with me. He called me, yelled and hung up on me. He then called several times over the next few days to further discuss his disgust at my talking to his friends. He told me that introducing me to those people was the biggest mistake he’s made in his life. He told me that if I want to know about him I should ask him and that in the future I should not talk to his friends about him.

I have not told Mabvuto that I have been told these things about him. I can not make him too angry while he still has possession of the money for the orphans. It is almost the end of March and I have received no financial reports for this month. We agreed that these reports would be sent weekly. He has told me that he didn’t send the reports because he was angry about a text message he received from me a few weeks ago. The text he is referring to was sent in February but took a long time to reach him.

Although I have repeatedly advised him not to mix his personal feelings about me with his role as manager of Itatu it seems that it is impossible for him. When he is angry or hurt by my fact finding missions he with-holds information from me.

I had suggested to him that if I want to have charitable status I will need to have more than just him working on the project in Malawi. He agreed that our friend Azikiwe should work with him. Azikiwe was the only person in Ntcheu last year who seemed to be interested in me as a person. He showed empathy by suggesting I should come by his office as often as I wanted to send emails home because he thought I must be feeling lonely. I like and respect this man. Although Mabvuto has agreed to work with Azikiwe we have not had the chance to have a conference call. At this point all I have found is that Mabvuto is angry and accusing Azikiwe of lying. It seems that this is not a relationship that will work for Itatu.

Unfortunately I know that Malawians tend to be childish. They are jealous if their “friend” has something they don’t. They admit that lying is part of their culture. They do not seem to be loyal to their friends. I’m sure much of what I have recently learned about Mabvuto is true but I suspect some of it is exaggerated. I guess the bottom line is it doesn’t matter what is true and what is fabricated. Mabvuto has shown himself to be unwilling to work with his compatriots. He is unable to work in a solely professional role with me. He has made me afraid to return to Ntcheu. I know that if I am there he will make sure people do not make me feel welcome. He will want to control who I talk to and where I go. It would be unsafe and unhealthy.

I have not made any final decisions but I feel such guilt that I had to tell you the truth of what has been happening. I have made some bad decisions and some extremely costly mistakes. I know I shouldn’t have had any sort of personal relationship with my orphan care partner. I know I should have formed my own relationships with people in Ntcheu last year. I know I shouldn’t have left Mabvuto as the only person working in Malawi.

I am sorry. I am embarrassed. These past few months have been absolutely depressing and frustrating for me. I know I have failed. I was naive in believing Mabvuto was honourable. I took on more than I could handle. I was selfish. I wanted to help the children of Malawi because helping made me feel good. It gave me a sense of purpose. I wanted adventure. I wanted to feel fulfilled. I know a lot of people were proud of what I was doing. I know that now many of you must feel as betrayed as I do. I hope you know my intentions were never to deceive or cheat you.

I hope I can find a way to redeem myself. I hope I can still do good things for children. I do want to make a difference. I do believe in what I was trying to do. I will not give up. I will continue to try to make a difference but I will be more cautious next time.

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